Dying with Dignity

Not quick enough to be sudden; too sudden to come to terms with: how do we find dignity in death?
Interview with Jos Hall from Dying With Dignity

This piece discusses death, dying and grief.

First broadcast on 11 December 2017​

The doctor talks about ‘active dying’; ‘non-active dying’; ‘range of life’; ‘treatment options’. We speak in months, weeks, days. He’s professional and factual. ‘Three to nine months,’ he says. The cancer has stolen everything from mum and now her body is betraying her on every level: because she’s not ‘actively dying’ she can’t go to the hospice, and because she won’t recover she can’t stay in hospital.

I’m unsure what ‘active dying’ is. I think: ‘If I can’t have forever, I’ll take nine months.’ I begin steeling myself for the worst: only three months. Before leaving, the doctor says mum can return home with community health support. Dad follows him out of the room to ask more questions.

Mum starts crying (the only time I see her cry while she's dying). ‘I can’t wait so long,’ she says, ‘it’s too much pain; why won’t they let people die when they want.’

Everything inside me stops. My mum’s a tiny bundle held together by the flimsy hospital gown. Breathing is so painful that they’ve put her on oxygen. Here she is, right next to me, bracing herself for Her worst: nine months. My wanting nine more months feels selfish.

Between mum’s terminal diagnosis and her passing was six weeks: six of the longest and shortest and worst weeks of my family’s lives.